It is so tough. You wish that things were different. You wish that you could undo what can't be undone. You wish that you had done things differently. But, you can't look back. You can't undo it. What is done, is done.
There are times I find myself questioning whether or not Mom really had cancer. Did she truly have a tumor in her hip? Looking back, she had walked a sandy beach. Climbed several flights of stairs and did a vigorous walk on the treadmill. Only after that did she complain of her hip hurting.
So, did she truly have cancer? The doctors said so. Their tests said she did. I never saw them, but I can't doubt what they told Mom and Dad. I wasn't there. However, I do have a small sense of doubt.
I wish that they had gotten a second opinion. Would it have made a difference?
Just this morning, on the Anniversary of what would have been Mom and Dad's 53rd year, Daddy said, "I have been reading about cancer and it says that a lot of the treatment combinations of Chemo and Radiation makes the cancer worse."
Okay, so that is interesting information. But what do you do with that? What can you do with that? Will that bring Mom back? Unfortunately, no.
I guess what I am trying to convince myself of, is that although I didn't agree with 100 percent of the way Mom was treated, Mom and Dad were both very happy and lived out their vows to the end. I have to be happy with that. I can't look back and wish it were different, because there is nothing I can do to change the past. The past is history now.
I love you, Mommy. I love you very much and every day I miss you terribly. One day we will be together again in heaven with our Father. Until then, I know that you are rejoicing in his name.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY - 53 YEARS
January 14, 1961. The day that Mom and Dad exchanged vows and pledged, "Till Death Do Us Part."
They fulfilled that vow on September 13, 2013 when Mommy passed away, yet, it is still so difficult to know that she is no longer with us.
Today was just that day. What would have been their 53 Wedding Anniversary.
Daddy met us at the truckstop in Redding for breakfast.
He asked me, "Do you know what today is?"
I said, "Yes, I do. I have been thinking about that since yesterday."
We both sat there for a moment in silence.
"This is a year of firsts for me," Daddy broke the silence.
"Yes it is," I said in return. Dad had tears forming as he tried to keep them back.
He went on to say, "I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that I couldn't get Mom to talk to me at all. She just didn't want to talk to me."
I just looked at him not knowing really what to say. It wasn't that it was an awkward moment, it was that sometimes there are moments that just don't need any comments. Just silence to think about the thought or the moment, or to just be an ear or shoulder.
Our breakfast went well and we had a good morning. It was so good to see Dad. I love you so much.
They fulfilled that vow on September 13, 2013 when Mommy passed away, yet, it is still so difficult to know that she is no longer with us.
Today was just that day. What would have been their 53 Wedding Anniversary.
Daddy met us at the truckstop in Redding for breakfast.
He asked me, "Do you know what today is?"
I said, "Yes, I do. I have been thinking about that since yesterday."
We both sat there for a moment in silence.
"This is a year of firsts for me," Daddy broke the silence.
"Yes it is," I said in return. Dad had tears forming as he tried to keep them back.
He went on to say, "I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that I couldn't get Mom to talk to me at all. She just didn't want to talk to me."
I just looked at him not knowing really what to say. It wasn't that it was an awkward moment, it was that sometimes there are moments that just don't need any comments. Just silence to think about the thought or the moment, or to just be an ear or shoulder.
Our breakfast went well and we had a good morning. It was so good to see Dad. I love you so much.
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