I thank God for the support that my children and their families
are giving me in these trying times.
It is a comforting feeling knowing that I can
call each of you and know you are there for me.
Yesterday was a bit trying
for me.
I just felt lonely with no direction.
Today is better and I am looking forward to my Christmas
in the snow with Becky and family.
Lisa and Mark, I will send you a snowball.
Jenny and Rob, I look forward to the time that you and Rob will
be able to spend some time here.
Annie and Chris, thank you for your hospitality.
This is a year of firsts for all of us as we go down this road
together.
I know it's not all about me.
I lost my wife but you lost a wonderful mother.
Thank you again for being here when Momma and I needed
you most. You were all so wonderful and I was proud of you.
All the people involved from Hospice told me how impressed they
were with our family. No one was pretentious, we were all
just being who we are.
I am continuing with the meetings put on by the hospital.
They are very helpful and have helped me be with others who are
faced with a similar situation.
I wish each of you a very merry Christmas and a peaceful year.
We'll do it together. I love you all so very much.
Love POPS
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
BLESSINGS - A LETTER FROM DAD
BLESSINGS
I
can count my blessings, having 53 years with my life partner, Betty.
Our Children, Grandchildren, and Great Grandchildren. I will enjoy
and find contentment in being thankful for what I have.
I choose to
help others through these difficult times and give hope to someone
in the same situation. Hope for everything, expect nothing and
accept what I have.
I will hope for everything, accept
disappointments, be on the lookout for goodness and beauty and take
solace in love that tempers my losses.
There is no right way to
grieve, no timetable or schedule for grieving.
Despite the
certainty that death will enter into our lives, most of us are
unprepared for it.
You don't get over grief. You learn to live
with it.
I can remain right where I am for the rest of my life or go
forward. It is my choice. I chose to go forward.
The grieving
process has no shortcuts as the pain gets easier. This is one of
the most tense, frightening and difficult, emotional experiences of
my life.
My whole life is turned upside down.
My friends often
withdraw because they need to protect their own emotions not wanting
to bring up the subject leaving me feeling isolated and unsupported.
I have asked them to just call and ask how I'm doing.
Many people
will walk in and out of our lives but only true friends will leave
footprints in your heart.
The "Not normal is normal".
Monday, December 23, 2013
TEARS OF REALIZATION
I have been struggling hard with the thought that Mommy is gone forever. How do you deal with that? How do you face the fact that the woman that has been in your life for 52 years as your Mother is now gone up to heaven?
Tears have streamed down my face more than once. Sometimes it's like a faucet that was left open during a freeze and when thawed, the water just pours out when least expected.
Today, as I stood in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, I was thinking about Mom. I had just called Dad a few moments before wishing him a Happy Birthday. He is 79 years young today.
The tears streamed down as I pictured the tables turned. What if it were Dad that had passed instead of Mom and she was still in good health?
I could picture her in the kitchen as she stirred a bowl of dough to make cookies. She is standing there staring towards the TV as tears run down her face. She sees water dripping uncontrollably from the ceiling from a leak that Dad never fixed.
Mom looks over to the dining room as she thinks about changing the looks of the room, but then realizes that she can't do it on her own. The backyard needs a new deck. The current one is so old that the boards are pulling up from their nails and splitting. She realizes that she can't do any of this on her own.
"Daddy, how about if we re-do the downstairs?" She would say and Dad would get up, get his tools and begin the project.
If the tables were turned, Mom would be miserable knowing that the house would eventually fall apart under the horribly needed repairs from its age. Today, Daddy even mentioned it to me that he needed a completely new roof and it would cost about $10,000 to replace.
Do I let Daddy go and do what he wants? Do I realize that Mommy was in horrible pain and now she is home with Jesus and happy? I know that when she was still with us and she was still coherent, she signed to all of us, "It is finished."
Mommy, I will never forget you. I will always love you and no matter what Daddy does, no woman could ever take your place. You are my one and only Mommy. I pray that Daddy never decides to move another woman in to your home...in to your bedroom...in to your bed.
Tears have streamed down my face more than once. Sometimes it's like a faucet that was left open during a freeze and when thawed, the water just pours out when least expected.
Today, as I stood in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, I was thinking about Mom. I had just called Dad a few moments before wishing him a Happy Birthday. He is 79 years young today.
The tears streamed down as I pictured the tables turned. What if it were Dad that had passed instead of Mom and she was still in good health?
I could picture her in the kitchen as she stirred a bowl of dough to make cookies. She is standing there staring towards the TV as tears run down her face. She sees water dripping uncontrollably from the ceiling from a leak that Dad never fixed.
Mom looks over to the dining room as she thinks about changing the looks of the room, but then realizes that she can't do it on her own. The backyard needs a new deck. The current one is so old that the boards are pulling up from their nails and splitting. She realizes that she can't do any of this on her own.
"Daddy, how about if we re-do the downstairs?" She would say and Dad would get up, get his tools and begin the project.
If the tables were turned, Mom would be miserable knowing that the house would eventually fall apart under the horribly needed repairs from its age. Today, Daddy even mentioned it to me that he needed a completely new roof and it would cost about $10,000 to replace.
Do I let Daddy go and do what he wants? Do I realize that Mommy was in horrible pain and now she is home with Jesus and happy? I know that when she was still with us and she was still coherent, she signed to all of us, "It is finished."
Mommy, I will never forget you. I will always love you and no matter what Daddy does, no woman could ever take your place. You are my one and only Mommy. I pray that Daddy never decides to move another woman in to your home...in to your bedroom...in to your bed.
WHAT WOULD MOMMY DO?
I have had several really hard days. Memories of Mom creep up unannounced and I am filled with tears as I realize that I can't just call her up and talk to her for hours on the phone any more. I can't say, "guess what, Mom?"
Today is Daddy's birthday. I called him this morning to wish him well today. He thanked me and his conversation turned to what his day would be like today. He was going out with a lady named Hazel from the support group.
What struck me odd was that he couldn't even remember who she was. He had to ask Becky about her. He told me that she was the nicely dressed lady in the group. They are going to the movies to watch the show about Walt Disney with Tom Hanks.
I felt a rush of jealousy as he was telling me about how excited he was to go out today.
"I guess I'm still a pretty good catch!" he told me. I laughed at the thought. Really? Now, it's only been three months and Dad is already strutting his stuff like a peacock with its tail spread tall behind him, swooning the ladies that take any kind of interest in him.
I'm sorry, Dad, but I really don't think that Mom would have gone out on the town so quickly and been out on any dates so soon. I think she would have dove in to the Word of God as she has always loved to do. I think she would spend more time with people from the church, invited her family over to spend time with her and would have really taken care of all of her girls sincerely. I'm not saying that you are not, but I just hope that when things settle down that you don't forget your daughters.
Today is Daddy's birthday. I called him this morning to wish him well today. He thanked me and his conversation turned to what his day would be like today. He was going out with a lady named Hazel from the support group.
What struck me odd was that he couldn't even remember who she was. He had to ask Becky about her. He told me that she was the nicely dressed lady in the group. They are going to the movies to watch the show about Walt Disney with Tom Hanks.
I felt a rush of jealousy as he was telling me about how excited he was to go out today.
"I guess I'm still a pretty good catch!" he told me. I laughed at the thought. Really? Now, it's only been three months and Dad is already strutting his stuff like a peacock with its tail spread tall behind him, swooning the ladies that take any kind of interest in him.
I'm sorry, Dad, but I really don't think that Mom would have gone out on the town so quickly and been out on any dates so soon. I think she would have dove in to the Word of God as she has always loved to do. I think she would spend more time with people from the church, invited her family over to spend time with her and would have really taken care of all of her girls sincerely. I'm not saying that you are not, but I just hope that when things settle down that you don't forget your daughters.
A DATE? SERIOUSLY? ALREADY?
I couldn't believe what I was hearing when Dad said that he was going on a date. Mom had been gone from us only about a month and already Dad was out on the town meeting women. I was heartbroken.
I know that Mom would know that this would be Dad's way, but at the same time, I think she would agree with me. A month is just too soon.
I think what hurt the most was hearing how Dad was amazing the women with his dance moves and his ability to cook. Wait a minute!!! What about Mom? Don't you remember her? The dances you had with her? She did most of the cooking, though. Although Mom loved to cook and bake.
Dad has been attending some grief counseling sessions every week. He has met some nice people that are suffering much as he is in the loss of a loved on. He has also been going to the Senior Center every Friday night where he goes dancing.
I just hope that Daddy isn't trying to replace Mom or trying to find a "love mate." That idea in itself just disgusts me. I hope that my feelings are wrong and off track.
I know that Mom would know that this would be Dad's way, but at the same time, I think she would agree with me. A month is just too soon.
I think what hurt the most was hearing how Dad was amazing the women with his dance moves and his ability to cook. Wait a minute!!! What about Mom? Don't you remember her? The dances you had with her? She did most of the cooking, though. Although Mom loved to cook and bake.
Dad has been attending some grief counseling sessions every week. He has met some nice people that are suffering much as he is in the loss of a loved on. He has also been going to the Senior Center every Friday night where he goes dancing.
I just hope that Daddy isn't trying to replace Mom or trying to find a "love mate." That idea in itself just disgusts me. I hope that my feelings are wrong and off track.
MOMMY, I MISS YOU SO MUCH
How do you deal with the loss of your Mommy after 52 years of her being there for you every minute at a whim?
We'd talk to each other on the phone for hours and laugh about the fact that we really didn't talk about any one particular subject. Then we'd try to end our phone calls with..."and one more thing." Our calls were full of laughter, sometimes tears and just a lot of fun information.
I miss those calls. Daddy told me that we wouldn't get any of those lengthy calls from him because he just doesn't do that at all. Gee whiz, Dad....thanks for the warning, I guess. But, glad you did tell me anyway, so that I wouldn't be totally disappointed, but instead happy that we get a few moments on the phone at all.
Here it is, our first Christmas without Mom. The lavish meals and decorations are now a memory, captured only in our minds and in photos past. We have made it through our first Thanksgiving. I often have thoughts of, "Why Mom? Why did she have to go?"
The night that Mom passed away, it was traumatic, for sure. But looking back, I think that a lot of actions were done out of haste due to the shock of Mom's passing. I think that the realization of the idea that "Death is Forever" hadn't really hit anyone yet.
Mom passed, everyone scattered throughout the house. Each taking on different types of jobs and responsibilities. What seemed to have been neatly laid out and mentally rehearsed earlier, didn't play out anywhere close to what was anticipated. Unfortunately, as a result, it began a quickly unraveling of feelings and toe-stepping that sent all of us on a back paddling to try to mend what we were all going through....together.
Once she passed, it was a total scurry of getting Mom properly dressed for the coroner to come pick her up. All of us girls put on the skirt, blouse and shoes that Daddy had picked out for her to wear. We put her wig on and made her look as beautiful as we could.
Daddy put the doggies up on her bed so that they could see that she had passed on. The two of them laid on her lap, wagging their tails wildly. One of them even snuggled his nose under her hand in hopes to encourage Mom to pet him a little. After no response after several minutes, they both laid down and slowly scooted away. It was as if they realized that she was no longer with them and they quickly accepted it.
The coroner came and as he was taking Mom out of the house, Dad quickly spoke up and said, "Wait, Mom said that the only way she will go out of this house is feet first." Everyone laughed. Annie said, "good call, Dad." The coroner was eager to comply as he carefully turned the gurney around.
Once Mom was out of the house, things began to change quickly. The vacuum cleaner could be heard going in the bedroom as the room was being put back in to shape as it was before the hospital bed was brought in.
Dad was going through the closet of all of Mom's clothes and handing out things to everyone in the room. It was a frenzy. The only thing that I really wanted of Mom's clothing was a blue sweater with red and silver diamonds on it. Mom loved to wear that sweater all the time and we have several pictures of her wearing it. Once I located it, Rob took a hold of it to be sure that we could at least have that fond memory of Mom with us.
Then the frenzy was turned to the dresser. It seemed that clothes were being tossed everywhere. They were on the couch in their bedroom, on the bed and even on the floor. The hustle and bustle was going on like it was a free-for-all of Mom's belongings. Her jewelry that she made was quickly being gone through. Dad was telling a short story of each of the items.
I look back on that day now and wonder what Mom would have thought had she been able to see just what was going on. I think she would have thought that her life was being torn apart like mad dogs tearing at a fresh carcuss. Knowing Mom, she was quite emotional and sometimes seemed like she'd over-react to different things, but in her defense, I think she would have yelled at every one of us and told all of us to leave her alone. She would have told every one "Shame on you for treating my memory like this." I think she would have been all over Dad about it for sure.
Then it seemed that Dad had snapped a little. I heard him at one time say, "this is all mine now." Even a family meeting had me in shock for sure. I could tell that it was kind of a slap in the face to all of us girls. Dad said, "this is my stuff now. If I want any of you to have any of it, I will let you know. If I want to sell it, I will." I was nearly in tears when he was saying that. It seems that Mom and her memory was going to be quickly diminished by Dad and the rest of us would just have to deal with it. I can feel the pain beginning now. Mommy, I miss you so much already.
We'd talk to each other on the phone for hours and laugh about the fact that we really didn't talk about any one particular subject. Then we'd try to end our phone calls with..."and one more thing." Our calls were full of laughter, sometimes tears and just a lot of fun information.
I miss those calls. Daddy told me that we wouldn't get any of those lengthy calls from him because he just doesn't do that at all. Gee whiz, Dad....thanks for the warning, I guess. But, glad you did tell me anyway, so that I wouldn't be totally disappointed, but instead happy that we get a few moments on the phone at all.
Here it is, our first Christmas without Mom. The lavish meals and decorations are now a memory, captured only in our minds and in photos past. We have made it through our first Thanksgiving. I often have thoughts of, "Why Mom? Why did she have to go?"
The night that Mom passed away, it was traumatic, for sure. But looking back, I think that a lot of actions were done out of haste due to the shock of Mom's passing. I think that the realization of the idea that "Death is Forever" hadn't really hit anyone yet.
Mom passed, everyone scattered throughout the house. Each taking on different types of jobs and responsibilities. What seemed to have been neatly laid out and mentally rehearsed earlier, didn't play out anywhere close to what was anticipated. Unfortunately, as a result, it began a quickly unraveling of feelings and toe-stepping that sent all of us on a back paddling to try to mend what we were all going through....together.
Once she passed, it was a total scurry of getting Mom properly dressed for the coroner to come pick her up. All of us girls put on the skirt, blouse and shoes that Daddy had picked out for her to wear. We put her wig on and made her look as beautiful as we could.
Daddy put the doggies up on her bed so that they could see that she had passed on. The two of them laid on her lap, wagging their tails wildly. One of them even snuggled his nose under her hand in hopes to encourage Mom to pet him a little. After no response after several minutes, they both laid down and slowly scooted away. It was as if they realized that she was no longer with them and they quickly accepted it.
The coroner came and as he was taking Mom out of the house, Dad quickly spoke up and said, "Wait, Mom said that the only way she will go out of this house is feet first." Everyone laughed. Annie said, "good call, Dad." The coroner was eager to comply as he carefully turned the gurney around.
Once Mom was out of the house, things began to change quickly. The vacuum cleaner could be heard going in the bedroom as the room was being put back in to shape as it was before the hospital bed was brought in.
Dad was going through the closet of all of Mom's clothes and handing out things to everyone in the room. It was a frenzy. The only thing that I really wanted of Mom's clothing was a blue sweater with red and silver diamonds on it. Mom loved to wear that sweater all the time and we have several pictures of her wearing it. Once I located it, Rob took a hold of it to be sure that we could at least have that fond memory of Mom with us.
Then the frenzy was turned to the dresser. It seemed that clothes were being tossed everywhere. They were on the couch in their bedroom, on the bed and even on the floor. The hustle and bustle was going on like it was a free-for-all of Mom's belongings. Her jewelry that she made was quickly being gone through. Dad was telling a short story of each of the items.
I look back on that day now and wonder what Mom would have thought had she been able to see just what was going on. I think she would have thought that her life was being torn apart like mad dogs tearing at a fresh carcuss. Knowing Mom, she was quite emotional and sometimes seemed like she'd over-react to different things, but in her defense, I think she would have yelled at every one of us and told all of us to leave her alone. She would have told every one "Shame on you for treating my memory like this." I think she would have been all over Dad about it for sure.
Then it seemed that Dad had snapped a little. I heard him at one time say, "this is all mine now." Even a family meeting had me in shock for sure. I could tell that it was kind of a slap in the face to all of us girls. Dad said, "this is my stuff now. If I want any of you to have any of it, I will let you know. If I want to sell it, I will." I was nearly in tears when he was saying that. It seems that Mom and her memory was going to be quickly diminished by Dad and the rest of us would just have to deal with it. I can feel the pain beginning now. Mommy, I miss you so much already.
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