It has been over a year since my Betty passed away.
After 53 years of togetherness I find it hard to not vacillate from the last two stages of grief, depression and acceptance.
Card games, bowling, or Bunko nearly every day and sometimes twice a day, dancing on Friday nights then on to karaoke after the dance, daily doing some activity with Geri, and church on Sunday.
Although I am keeping busy with everyday activities I still am confronted with the depression and acceptance stages. I don't have any problems with denial, anger, or bargaining.
Although I do love having a relationship with Geri, I do miss Betty. Once I told Geri that she couldn't replace Betty, she cried and said "I need to go home". Later when I called her, she was crying. I explained to her that I didn't expect her to replace Betty and that it would create problems if I expected her to be like Betty and that I am the one who would have to adapt to my new life. Geri has a great sense of humor, generosity and caring.
Every day I have fluctuations in my emotions. Anxious and blue one day to lightheartedness and happy the next. I grieve one day at a time at my own pace.
When Betty died my world changed. I felt numb, shocked and fearful. My life was interrupted but now my new life is coming together much sooner than I expected.
I do miss Betty but the pain is less, still I have some bad days. The good days are more than the bad.
Realizing early on that mourning too long would not be good for my mind or my health, I determined that I needed to keep myself occupied with the things I would enjoy. Having once read that you need to do things that you enjoy because it is now only about you. That was a bit hard to do at first until I realized the therapeutic value it presented for getting on with my life.
I know and understand that Betty was ready to go but we were not ready or willing to say goodby. She left us all here to cope with her passing and I feel the girls and all the extended family are doing well in that arena. Tears still come from time to time as they are now but life must go on. I love my girls and I know they love me. POPS
"A true friend is one who reaches for your hand and touches your heart"
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
ONE YEAR LATER
It has been a year (almost - only a few days away) since Mom passed away. What has it been like without her around?
It hasn't been easy.
So many times I have found myself thinking, "I'm going to call Mom and tell her about....oh yeah. I can't" So, I call and talk to Dad.
Mom was the center of all of us. She was the entertainer, the life of the party, the one who kept us in check and the one that helped us make sense of it all, no matter what it was.
I think of Annie a lot. Mom and Annie were jewelry partners. Sharing their ideas and teaching each other the things they had just learned about beads and their value. They'd swap beads and chains...make new out of old....going to Thrift Stores and Garage sales to scoop up future treasures.
Little Connor and Faith loved their Grandma a lot. Grandma would let them dance on the kitchen table and do things that made their Mommy gasp because she knew her children were getting away with things not allowed. But Annie couldn't help but laugh at the idea as well.
My thoughts of Lisa as she is so far away in Florida with her family and her contact has been mainly only by phone over the years. Yet, Lisa and Mom were close. Sharing their memories of growing up. How Mom stood by Lisa when she had her first baby and helping her out in the difficult decisions that had to be made. Mom was a rock for Lisa to lean on.
Craig and Sarah got to spend some wonderful, memorable and unforgettable days with their Grandmother. They flew out from Florida to be with Grandma and Grandpa for a whole month. Their visit was filled with camping at the coast at a favorite family campground, Patricks Point.
They walked the beaches, looked for agates and shells and explored the forests in the area.
Then it was off to Lake Shasta Caverns where they got to ride a boat across the lake and ride the bumpy bus up the hill to the cave entrance. They walked in and got to see all kinds of Stalagtites and Stalagmites, a beauty within the mountain. That was when Mom was feeling the first twinges of pain. That was the last time that Mom could actually walk on her own.
Rebecca got closer to Mom than she had ever been in years. The precious months were filled with walks along the Sacramento River. Afternoons at home while Becky did Mom's nails. Treating her to a special manicure and pedicure, all the while Mom was laughing at the thought that she was being pampered so much. Mom soaked it all in. Her precious baby was back and Mom was cherishing every moment she could with her.
All of Beckys children warmed up to Grandma and Grandpa with laughter and hugs. Time spent at the park together creating ever lasting memories that are forever held in their hearts. A love bond between the children and their Grandmother that will never be broken or forgotten.
I think of my memories with Mom and our endless hours either talking on the phone or when I was sitting still, we'd instant message each other. I'd laugh because many times our phone conversations would actually get me down the road a few hundred miles. I would never tire of talking with her. Our subject matter would change about as fast as a school of fish swimming too and fro in the water. We never knew what we'd talk about next.
Rachelle created a unique and special bond with her Grandma through the art of sign language. Together, Rachelle, Grandma and Grandpa would sign at church. As Mom was losing her hearing more and more, it became a loving necessity to sign to her.
Robert learned the value of life through his Grandmother. Cleaning himself up and actually getting a good job dealing with the public. Mom was always there for Robert as well. Helping to guide her Grandson as he would wander in to the lives of the family in his young adult years.
By the way, Mom, you're a Great-Grandma again. Robert and his new wife are having a baby. That is Great Grandbaby number 6 for you.
I think a lot about Daddy and how he's doing. I know he misses Mom a lot. They had 52 wonderful years together. They raised an awesome family with strong core values. Mom and Dad retired gracefully from a very successful business. Spent quality time together traveling around locally and even abroad, driving their little $4000 auction purchased minivan across the United States and putting 11,000 miles on it in as little as 6 weeks. That was something that we were all proud of for sure.
Daddy has moved forward a bit. A little faster than we thought that he would or should have. But one thing is for certain, Dad is not one to be alone. He doesn't like being alone and doesn't want to be. He has always liked to be involved in something, or be a part of what's going on. He enjoys sharing his time with someone as well. So, for Dad to find a good friend in a lady is just what Mom expected him to do.
Mom used to joke, "Daddy will probably go out and find a two bit floozy."
Well, Daddy found someone to spend time with. He says that he's not interested in marriage and that he never wants to say the words, "My first wife."
His new friend is Geri. She's a nice lady. I was very hesitant to meet her. In fact, when Daddy told me about her in December, my heart sunk. Tears came to my eyes. My thoughts were, "how could he replace Mom so quickly. He assured me that she was just a friend. You could hear the laughter in Dads voice. The child like attitude that he has come back to life after months of caring so deeply and lovingly for his wife, the woman he loved so much for over 52 years.
Mom is no longer in pain. She peacefully drifted away with her entire family surrounding her. A few days prior, she called out to each of her children, calling each by name as she held our hands. Tears in her eyes, tears in ours as we all knew we were all saying goodbye.
So, here we are....one year later. It's been tough for sure. I miss Mom so much. I still find myself having to wipe away a tear or two knowing that death is forever, it is permanent, I will never be able to see Mommy on earth ever again. I will never hear her voice over the phone saying, "Hi sweetie" with a huge smile in her voice.
Mom, I love you so much. You have truly touched so many people in your life. From your family to all of your friends. Everyone that has crossed your path, you have touched and left your loving memory with them.
By the way, Mom, guess what? I quit smoking. I did that on November 13th, 2013. It was actually pretty easy, and here a year later, I feel great. Thank you Mommy for that smile and hug in your voice. I know you are proud of me. I love you.
One year later....it gets easier, right?
It hasn't been easy.
So many times I have found myself thinking, "I'm going to call Mom and tell her about....oh yeah. I can't" So, I call and talk to Dad.
Mom was the center of all of us. She was the entertainer, the life of the party, the one who kept us in check and the one that helped us make sense of it all, no matter what it was.
I think of Annie a lot. Mom and Annie were jewelry partners. Sharing their ideas and teaching each other the things they had just learned about beads and their value. They'd swap beads and chains...make new out of old....going to Thrift Stores and Garage sales to scoop up future treasures.
Little Connor and Faith loved their Grandma a lot. Grandma would let them dance on the kitchen table and do things that made their Mommy gasp because she knew her children were getting away with things not allowed. But Annie couldn't help but laugh at the idea as well.
My thoughts of Lisa as she is so far away in Florida with her family and her contact has been mainly only by phone over the years. Yet, Lisa and Mom were close. Sharing their memories of growing up. How Mom stood by Lisa when she had her first baby and helping her out in the difficult decisions that had to be made. Mom was a rock for Lisa to lean on.
Craig and Sarah got to spend some wonderful, memorable and unforgettable days with their Grandmother. They flew out from Florida to be with Grandma and Grandpa for a whole month. Their visit was filled with camping at the coast at a favorite family campground, Patricks Point.
They walked the beaches, looked for agates and shells and explored the forests in the area.
Then it was off to Lake Shasta Caverns where they got to ride a boat across the lake and ride the bumpy bus up the hill to the cave entrance. They walked in and got to see all kinds of Stalagtites and Stalagmites, a beauty within the mountain. That was when Mom was feeling the first twinges of pain. That was the last time that Mom could actually walk on her own.
Rebecca got closer to Mom than she had ever been in years. The precious months were filled with walks along the Sacramento River. Afternoons at home while Becky did Mom's nails. Treating her to a special manicure and pedicure, all the while Mom was laughing at the thought that she was being pampered so much. Mom soaked it all in. Her precious baby was back and Mom was cherishing every moment she could with her.
All of Beckys children warmed up to Grandma and Grandpa with laughter and hugs. Time spent at the park together creating ever lasting memories that are forever held in their hearts. A love bond between the children and their Grandmother that will never be broken or forgotten.
I think of my memories with Mom and our endless hours either talking on the phone or when I was sitting still, we'd instant message each other. I'd laugh because many times our phone conversations would actually get me down the road a few hundred miles. I would never tire of talking with her. Our subject matter would change about as fast as a school of fish swimming too and fro in the water. We never knew what we'd talk about next.
Rachelle created a unique and special bond with her Grandma through the art of sign language. Together, Rachelle, Grandma and Grandpa would sign at church. As Mom was losing her hearing more and more, it became a loving necessity to sign to her.
Robert learned the value of life through his Grandmother. Cleaning himself up and actually getting a good job dealing with the public. Mom was always there for Robert as well. Helping to guide her Grandson as he would wander in to the lives of the family in his young adult years.
By the way, Mom, you're a Great-Grandma again. Robert and his new wife are having a baby. That is Great Grandbaby number 6 for you.
I think a lot about Daddy and how he's doing. I know he misses Mom a lot. They had 52 wonderful years together. They raised an awesome family with strong core values. Mom and Dad retired gracefully from a very successful business. Spent quality time together traveling around locally and even abroad, driving their little $4000 auction purchased minivan across the United States and putting 11,000 miles on it in as little as 6 weeks. That was something that we were all proud of for sure.
Daddy has moved forward a bit. A little faster than we thought that he would or should have. But one thing is for certain, Dad is not one to be alone. He doesn't like being alone and doesn't want to be. He has always liked to be involved in something, or be a part of what's going on. He enjoys sharing his time with someone as well. So, for Dad to find a good friend in a lady is just what Mom expected him to do.
Mom used to joke, "Daddy will probably go out and find a two bit floozy."
Well, Daddy found someone to spend time with. He says that he's not interested in marriage and that he never wants to say the words, "My first wife."
His new friend is Geri. She's a nice lady. I was very hesitant to meet her. In fact, when Daddy told me about her in December, my heart sunk. Tears came to my eyes. My thoughts were, "how could he replace Mom so quickly. He assured me that she was just a friend. You could hear the laughter in Dads voice. The child like attitude that he has come back to life after months of caring so deeply and lovingly for his wife, the woman he loved so much for over 52 years.
Mom is no longer in pain. She peacefully drifted away with her entire family surrounding her. A few days prior, she called out to each of her children, calling each by name as she held our hands. Tears in her eyes, tears in ours as we all knew we were all saying goodbye.
So, here we are....one year later. It's been tough for sure. I miss Mom so much. I still find myself having to wipe away a tear or two knowing that death is forever, it is permanent, I will never be able to see Mommy on earth ever again. I will never hear her voice over the phone saying, "Hi sweetie" with a huge smile in her voice.
Mom, I love you so much. You have truly touched so many people in your life. From your family to all of your friends. Everyone that has crossed your path, you have touched and left your loving memory with them.
By the way, Mom, guess what? I quit smoking. I did that on November 13th, 2013. It was actually pretty easy, and here a year later, I feel great. Thank you Mommy for that smile and hug in your voice. I know you are proud of me. I love you.
One year later....it gets easier, right?
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
CAN'T LOOK BACK
It is so tough. You wish that things were different. You wish that you could undo what can't be undone. You wish that you had done things differently. But, you can't look back. You can't undo it. What is done, is done.
There are times I find myself questioning whether or not Mom really had cancer. Did she truly have a tumor in her hip? Looking back, she had walked a sandy beach. Climbed several flights of stairs and did a vigorous walk on the treadmill. Only after that did she complain of her hip hurting.
So, did she truly have cancer? The doctors said so. Their tests said she did. I never saw them, but I can't doubt what they told Mom and Dad. I wasn't there. However, I do have a small sense of doubt.
I wish that they had gotten a second opinion. Would it have made a difference?
Just this morning, on the Anniversary of what would have been Mom and Dad's 53rd year, Daddy said, "I have been reading about cancer and it says that a lot of the treatment combinations of Chemo and Radiation makes the cancer worse."
Okay, so that is interesting information. But what do you do with that? What can you do with that? Will that bring Mom back? Unfortunately, no.
I guess what I am trying to convince myself of, is that although I didn't agree with 100 percent of the way Mom was treated, Mom and Dad were both very happy and lived out their vows to the end. I have to be happy with that. I can't look back and wish it were different, because there is nothing I can do to change the past. The past is history now.
I love you, Mommy. I love you very much and every day I miss you terribly. One day we will be together again in heaven with our Father. Until then, I know that you are rejoicing in his name.
There are times I find myself questioning whether or not Mom really had cancer. Did she truly have a tumor in her hip? Looking back, she had walked a sandy beach. Climbed several flights of stairs and did a vigorous walk on the treadmill. Only after that did she complain of her hip hurting.
So, did she truly have cancer? The doctors said so. Their tests said she did. I never saw them, but I can't doubt what they told Mom and Dad. I wasn't there. However, I do have a small sense of doubt.
I wish that they had gotten a second opinion. Would it have made a difference?
Just this morning, on the Anniversary of what would have been Mom and Dad's 53rd year, Daddy said, "I have been reading about cancer and it says that a lot of the treatment combinations of Chemo and Radiation makes the cancer worse."
Okay, so that is interesting information. But what do you do with that? What can you do with that? Will that bring Mom back? Unfortunately, no.
I guess what I am trying to convince myself of, is that although I didn't agree with 100 percent of the way Mom was treated, Mom and Dad were both very happy and lived out their vows to the end. I have to be happy with that. I can't look back and wish it were different, because there is nothing I can do to change the past. The past is history now.
I love you, Mommy. I love you very much and every day I miss you terribly. One day we will be together again in heaven with our Father. Until then, I know that you are rejoicing in his name.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY - 53 YEARS
January 14, 1961. The day that Mom and Dad exchanged vows and pledged, "Till Death Do Us Part."
They fulfilled that vow on September 13, 2013 when Mommy passed away, yet, it is still so difficult to know that she is no longer with us.
Today was just that day. What would have been their 53 Wedding Anniversary.
Daddy met us at the truckstop in Redding for breakfast.
He asked me, "Do you know what today is?"
I said, "Yes, I do. I have been thinking about that since yesterday."
We both sat there for a moment in silence.
"This is a year of firsts for me," Daddy broke the silence.
"Yes it is," I said in return. Dad had tears forming as he tried to keep them back.
He went on to say, "I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that I couldn't get Mom to talk to me at all. She just didn't want to talk to me."
I just looked at him not knowing really what to say. It wasn't that it was an awkward moment, it was that sometimes there are moments that just don't need any comments. Just silence to think about the thought or the moment, or to just be an ear or shoulder.
Our breakfast went well and we had a good morning. It was so good to see Dad. I love you so much.
They fulfilled that vow on September 13, 2013 when Mommy passed away, yet, it is still so difficult to know that she is no longer with us.
Today was just that day. What would have been their 53 Wedding Anniversary.
Daddy met us at the truckstop in Redding for breakfast.
He asked me, "Do you know what today is?"
I said, "Yes, I do. I have been thinking about that since yesterday."
We both sat there for a moment in silence.
"This is a year of firsts for me," Daddy broke the silence.
"Yes it is," I said in return. Dad had tears forming as he tried to keep them back.
He went on to say, "I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that I couldn't get Mom to talk to me at all. She just didn't want to talk to me."
I just looked at him not knowing really what to say. It wasn't that it was an awkward moment, it was that sometimes there are moments that just don't need any comments. Just silence to think about the thought or the moment, or to just be an ear or shoulder.
Our breakfast went well and we had a good morning. It was so good to see Dad. I love you so much.
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