Mom, I know it's been like forever since I've written here on this blog. I know you understand, as you have always told me how you have been terrible at writing letters and such. That's okay. I loved our chats on the Internet. Those made up for all those letters that you "wanted" to write...you know why? Because I kept every one of those chats on my computer. Now I can look back on them when ever I want to and laugh about our "nonsense" conversations. We just loved chatting back and forth for hours.
Anyway, that's not the reason for this blog entry. The real reason is, I AM NOW GOING TO BE A FAMOUS WRITER!!!!! Yeah, Mom. Remember that story I've told you about regarding Rachelle and I going to Canada? The angel story.
Well, I wrote that one back in 1994 and it seems that now I have finally found a publisher to take my story. It will take a few months, but by the end of 2016, I should be in print! It is so totally exciting. I wanted to share it with you. I will share the story later and show you the book when it comes out.
I love you Mom. I miss you terribly, but I find that sharing things with you here helps me to stay connected with you.
By the way....you have two new little Great Grandsons. Your Grandson, Robert, got married and has two new little boys now. They are absolutely adorable, and yes, they are both his own babies with his wife, Chrystin. You remember meeting her before. She is really absolutely adorable, too and very smart. She is going for her Bachelors Degree in child psychology.
I love you...oh, I already said that....haha.
Friday, May 20, 2016
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
ONE DAY OUT OF TEN YEARS!! THAT'S ALL IT TAKES!! - IN MEMORY OF MOM
My new motto.
Rob and I went and had colonoscopies done.
Kind of like a couples special..ha ha.
Okay, all kidding aside. We needed to get this done since I have it in my family and with both of us being over 50, it's just a good idea.
She had a pretty good sized tumor in her colon that burst through the wall. She ended up on a colostomy bag for about 2 years, had a lot of her colon removed and chemotherapy for 18 months.
Then she was deemed clean of cancer.
Mom went in every 3 years for a colonoscopy and was still clean of polyps and even remained clear of cancer.
In 2012, November, she walked nearly all month on the beach with 2 of her grandchildren...took them on a tour through caves that included several hundred steps up and down. Needless to say, she was in excruciating pain by the end of the tour...I know I would be as well. But she got home and continued on her walk using the treadmill.
By 2012, December, we went and visited Mom and Dad.
Mom was sitting on one of the chairs in the living room. Dogs on her lap. Dad came to give Rob and I hugs, but Mom remained on the chair.
I asked if she was okay.
She said that she may have a small stress fracture from over doing it on the treadmill.
A couple of days later and she was still having problems walking and moving, so Rob and I bought her a walker and a stand alone cane. She loved it and was free to move about where ever she wanted.
We saw her again in 2013, February and now she was saying that she had bursitis.
That's when I told her to quit self-diagnosing and get to a doctor.
She did...after a couple of more times of us telling her to do that.
She called later telling us that she had cancer again. Only this time it was in her bones, spine and she had a large tumor in her hip causing her the hip pain. In fact, she said that her hip bone was completely gone.
Mom started radiation therapy for 16 weeks to reduce the size of the tumor.
Then when that therapy was done, she began chemotherapy.
That's when things began going down hill for her.
She kept her spirits up. Her spiritual love for God got even stronger within herself and their church.
Mom knew that she would not die of cancer, but rather go home when God wanted her home.
She fought diligently until 2013, August.
That was when she was taken off of chemo because she was losing too much weight and the chemo couldn't do anything for her at this point.
She was put on hospice and brought home to be with her family.
Mom was in her hospital bed that we had brought in for her and set up in her and Dad's bedroom...right next to their king sized bed.
One wall in their huge bedroom was almost nothing but bed. That was okay because that gave enough room for her husband (our Daddy), all of their children, their grand children and great grandchildren to be on the bed with her.
Rob said that we all looked like the Waltons.
We video taped our time with her...took pictures and I kept a blog of all what was going on (the one you are reading, of course).
It was September 13, 2013. A beautiful day outside. The sun was out. Everyone was sitting around Mom's bed reading a book, texting on the phone, watching TV, whatever it was they were caught up in at the moment.
I was sitting next to her bed just looking at my phone not really doing anything at all.
Dad was in the other room watching TV.
I looked up at Mom to see her swallow deeply. She did it again. That's when I knew that this was the end.
I called out to everyone and said, "This is it everyone...come next to Mom."
Everyone gathered from where they were to be beside Mom.
She was surrounded completely around all sides of her bed by family.
Some held her hands, others put their hands on her, while some of us stood next to her.
We all watched as Mom slowly took her last breaths. Tears and sobs could be heard lightly.
One of my sisters yelled out at Moms' final breath, "Thank you Jesus for taking her home."
Just then, two family members shook and stood back quickly with a loud sigh, "Did you feel that?" one of them said. "Yes, another one said...it was like a shock that went through my body." They were both holding Mom's hands when she took her last breath when they both felt that shock run through themselves.
We closed Mom's eyes, dressed her in her Sunday best and contacted the coroner to take her.
Mom no longer suffered.
She is no longer in pain.
She remains heavy in my memories and with all of her family.
Mom was 72 years young.
That is why I say, "we do this in memory of Mom."
She had colon cancer. However, had she gone in when she was 50 years old and gotten checked and followed up with the doctors, she could have avoided the tumor that ultimately shortened her time with us.
So, as a preventative, Mom has taught us all a valuable lesson.
We do this in memory of her.
My motto now is "One Day out of Ten Years! That's all it takes."
Rob and I went and had colonoscopies done.
Kind of like a couples special..ha ha.
Okay, all kidding aside. We needed to get this done since I have it in my family and with both of us being over 50, it's just a good idea.
Rob in prep waiting for his procedure. Jenni actually went first. This is for you, Mom.
This is why we did it
Mom got colon cancer in 2001. She had a pretty good sized tumor in her colon that burst through the wall. She ended up on a colostomy bag for about 2 years, had a lot of her colon removed and chemotherapy for 18 months.
Then she was deemed clean of cancer.
Mom went in every 3 years for a colonoscopy and was still clean of polyps and even remained clear of cancer.
In 2012, November, she walked nearly all month on the beach with 2 of her grandchildren...took them on a tour through caves that included several hundred steps up and down. Needless to say, she was in excruciating pain by the end of the tour...I know I would be as well. But she got home and continued on her walk using the treadmill.
By 2012, December, we went and visited Mom and Dad.
Mom was sitting on one of the chairs in the living room. Dogs on her lap. Dad came to give Rob and I hugs, but Mom remained on the chair.
I asked if she was okay.
She said that she may have a small stress fracture from over doing it on the treadmill.
A couple of days later and she was still having problems walking and moving, so Rob and I bought her a walker and a stand alone cane. She loved it and was free to move about where ever she wanted.
We saw her again in 2013, February and now she was saying that she had bursitis.
That's when I told her to quit self-diagnosing and get to a doctor.
She did...after a couple of more times of us telling her to do that.
She called later telling us that she had cancer again. Only this time it was in her bones, spine and she had a large tumor in her hip causing her the hip pain. In fact, she said that her hip bone was completely gone.
Mom started radiation therapy for 16 weeks to reduce the size of the tumor.
Then when that therapy was done, she began chemotherapy.
That's when things began going down hill for her.
She kept her spirits up. Her spiritual love for God got even stronger within herself and their church.
Mom knew that she would not die of cancer, but rather go home when God wanted her home.
She fought diligently until 2013, August.
That was when she was taken off of chemo because she was losing too much weight and the chemo couldn't do anything for her at this point.
She was put on hospice and brought home to be with her family.
Mom was in her hospital bed that we had brought in for her and set up in her and Dad's bedroom...right next to their king sized bed.
One wall in their huge bedroom was almost nothing but bed. That was okay because that gave enough room for her husband (our Daddy), all of their children, their grand children and great grandchildren to be on the bed with her.
Rob said that we all looked like the Waltons.
We video taped our time with her...took pictures and I kept a blog of all what was going on (the one you are reading, of course).
It was September 13, 2013. A beautiful day outside. The sun was out. Everyone was sitting around Mom's bed reading a book, texting on the phone, watching TV, whatever it was they were caught up in at the moment.
I was sitting next to her bed just looking at my phone not really doing anything at all.
Dad was in the other room watching TV.
I looked up at Mom to see her swallow deeply. She did it again. That's when I knew that this was the end.
I called out to everyone and said, "This is it everyone...come next to Mom."
Everyone gathered from where they were to be beside Mom.
She was surrounded completely around all sides of her bed by family.
Some held her hands, others put their hands on her, while some of us stood next to her.
We all watched as Mom slowly took her last breaths. Tears and sobs could be heard lightly.
One of my sisters yelled out at Moms' final breath, "Thank you Jesus for taking her home."
Just then, two family members shook and stood back quickly with a loud sigh, "Did you feel that?" one of them said. "Yes, another one said...it was like a shock that went through my body." They were both holding Mom's hands when she took her last breath when they both felt that shock run through themselves.
We closed Mom's eyes, dressed her in her Sunday best and contacted the coroner to take her.
Mom no longer suffered.
She is no longer in pain.
She remains heavy in my memories and with all of her family.
Mom was 72 years young.
That is why I say, "we do this in memory of Mom."
She had colon cancer. However, had she gone in when she was 50 years old and gotten checked and followed up with the doctors, she could have avoided the tumor that ultimately shortened her time with us.
So, as a preventative, Mom has taught us all a valuable lesson.
We do this in memory of her.
My motto now is "One Day out of Ten Years! That's all it takes."
Friday, February 20, 2015
DECEPTION, LIES....WHO ARE YOU REALLY???
I know, this is totally off base to my blog about Mom. But, since she has passed, life still goes on with Dad...and oh, what a travel he is taking all of his daughters on.
So, the latest. Annie calls me this morning, 2/19/2015. She says, "have you heard the latest drama about Dad?"
I say, "No, what did he do now?"
Annie proceeds to tell me through a long story that Dad apparently let the shop go back to the bank and as of this morning it sold at auction.
"You have got to be kidding me!" I say loudly.
"Yep, that's what he did," Annie continues. "Apparently back in September of 2014, that was the last payment that he received from his tenants."
Annie continued the story as she jumped from the information to how she happened to obtain the information.
It seems that Kim, one of Dads tenants, had come up to Chris during the men's conference and asked him what was up with Annies Dad. Chris didn't know what he was talking about so they went to Annie.
As it was, neither did Annie know anything so she began to ask Kim questions.
Well, it seems that Dad had told all of his tenants to not pay him anymore, that he was letting the building go back to the bank. SERIOUSLY??????
Okay, so now there is this guy named Mike Holden that is an attorney with California Recovery Bureau. It seems that he helps people get money that is owed to them. This guy is working in Dads favor, but had Dad been smart, he wouldn't have needed this help.
Here's the low-down on it. The shop was on a 30 year loan. However, after 10 years, they could do a balloon payment of $116,000 and pay it off. Dad obviously didn't have the cash (wonder why....Mom knew that date would come up and she would have prepared for it...what happened to that money?)
So, instead of making that balloon payment on October 1, 2014 (the payment due date...the first payment that the tenants didn't have to make to Dad), Dad let the building begin the stages of Foreclosure. That usually takes about 3 months before the bank decides to take possession of things.
The building sold at auction for $154,000. That is a profit of $38,000. That is where Mike Holden comes in...to recover that money for Dad.
So, that's not all. Seems that Dad has taken all of his money out of the banks and doesn't want to deal with them anymore. He has all his cash in $20's and small bills in a box under his bed. OK...SERIOUSLY AGAIN???? WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF DAD?????
He helped Becky out with the recovery of her belongings in storage. That was a $4000 loan. Dad came over with a brown paper bag with the money in it, $20 bills mind you, and told Becky, "you will pay me back in the same fashion I am giving you the money. If you give me a check, I will refuse it." Apparently he was pretty stern about it, too. OKAY DAD....WHO ARE YOU NOW???
So why is this worth putting on my blog? Because Dad didn't find the need to tell any of his daughters about this. Because he told Lisa that he didn't think that any of us would have found out about it. Apparently Mike Holden contacted Lisa regarding this and Lisa got in touch with Annie and that's when the whole ball began to roll. Dad didn't think that anyone would have contacted us at all, so therefore he thought that he could get away with this. ALRIGHT DAD....I AM EXTREMELY DISSAPPOINTED IN YOU NOW. HOW MUCH MORE IMMATURE ARE YOU GOING TO GET??????
While talking to Annie on the phone, Dad beeps in on my phone.
"Hey, Annie...gotta go, Dad's trying to call." I say real quick.
"Really..." Annie says sarcastically with a laugh.
We hang up and I take Dad's call.
"Hey Dad!" I say in my usual greeting to him. I wanted to play this all off just to see if he would tell me anything. It is obvious that Becky, Annie and Lisa all know what happened now and Dad knows that they know. Will he tell me anything or is he calling to see if I am going to say anything at all?
"Hey Jenni," Dad returns. "How are you doing?" He sounded almost out of breath, but had some excitement in his voice like a little kid.
"We are in New Mexico right now," I return. "We are going to Pennsylvania."
We have a little small talk and I asked him where he was since I could hear some noise in the background.
"Oh I am at the salon with Geri. She is getting her nails done. There is also some people here that were in Ohio last year that were shut down because of a big storm out there. I was just thinking about you and wondering where you were and how the weather was for you guys."
Dad rambled like he didn't dare want any silent moments on the phone at all. I could barely get a word in edgewise. I just answered his questions, but I was also a bit sarcastic in my tone as well.
I then asked him, "How are you doing?"
"Oh, I am doing fine...yep, doing great. Feeling pretty good." Dad said. If I could see him, I'd think he was a 10 year old boy sitting on a chair bouncing his hands on his bouncing legs because he couldn't sit still...trying to hide something with small talk.
"Great," I said. "Everything going good then? Anything else going on at all?" I asked.
"Nope," he said. I fumed, but kept my cool.
"Great, well we are heading down the road with great weather right now." The small talk continued for a few more minutes.
"That's good...well may the sun be with you in your travels," he said. WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN????? HIPPEE TALK OR SOMETHING?????
I called Annie back. I told her of the conversation and that he didn't let on anything and I didn't say anything at all.
Lets see just how long it will be before Dad does say anything to me. Then I will let him have it!!!!
So, the latest. Annie calls me this morning, 2/19/2015. She says, "have you heard the latest drama about Dad?"
I say, "No, what did he do now?"
Annie proceeds to tell me through a long story that Dad apparently let the shop go back to the bank and as of this morning it sold at auction.
"You have got to be kidding me!" I say loudly.
"Yep, that's what he did," Annie continues. "Apparently back in September of 2014, that was the last payment that he received from his tenants."
Annie continued the story as she jumped from the information to how she happened to obtain the information.
It seems that Kim, one of Dads tenants, had come up to Chris during the men's conference and asked him what was up with Annies Dad. Chris didn't know what he was talking about so they went to Annie.
As it was, neither did Annie know anything so she began to ask Kim questions.
Well, it seems that Dad had told all of his tenants to not pay him anymore, that he was letting the building go back to the bank. SERIOUSLY??????
Okay, so now there is this guy named Mike Holden that is an attorney with California Recovery Bureau. It seems that he helps people get money that is owed to them. This guy is working in Dads favor, but had Dad been smart, he wouldn't have needed this help.
Here's the low-down on it. The shop was on a 30 year loan. However, after 10 years, they could do a balloon payment of $116,000 and pay it off. Dad obviously didn't have the cash (wonder why....Mom knew that date would come up and she would have prepared for it...what happened to that money?)
So, instead of making that balloon payment on October 1, 2014 (the payment due date...the first payment that the tenants didn't have to make to Dad), Dad let the building begin the stages of Foreclosure. That usually takes about 3 months before the bank decides to take possession of things.
The building sold at auction for $154,000. That is a profit of $38,000. That is where Mike Holden comes in...to recover that money for Dad.
So, that's not all. Seems that Dad has taken all of his money out of the banks and doesn't want to deal with them anymore. He has all his cash in $20's and small bills in a box under his bed. OK...SERIOUSLY AGAIN???? WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF DAD?????
He helped Becky out with the recovery of her belongings in storage. That was a $4000 loan. Dad came over with a brown paper bag with the money in it, $20 bills mind you, and told Becky, "you will pay me back in the same fashion I am giving you the money. If you give me a check, I will refuse it." Apparently he was pretty stern about it, too. OKAY DAD....WHO ARE YOU NOW???
So why is this worth putting on my blog? Because Dad didn't find the need to tell any of his daughters about this. Because he told Lisa that he didn't think that any of us would have found out about it. Apparently Mike Holden contacted Lisa regarding this and Lisa got in touch with Annie and that's when the whole ball began to roll. Dad didn't think that anyone would have contacted us at all, so therefore he thought that he could get away with this. ALRIGHT DAD....I AM EXTREMELY DISSAPPOINTED IN YOU NOW. HOW MUCH MORE IMMATURE ARE YOU GOING TO GET??????
While talking to Annie on the phone, Dad beeps in on my phone.
"Hey, Annie...gotta go, Dad's trying to call." I say real quick.
"Really..." Annie says sarcastically with a laugh.
We hang up and I take Dad's call.
"Hey Dad!" I say in my usual greeting to him. I wanted to play this all off just to see if he would tell me anything. It is obvious that Becky, Annie and Lisa all know what happened now and Dad knows that they know. Will he tell me anything or is he calling to see if I am going to say anything at all?
"Hey Jenni," Dad returns. "How are you doing?" He sounded almost out of breath, but had some excitement in his voice like a little kid.
"We are in New Mexico right now," I return. "We are going to Pennsylvania."
We have a little small talk and I asked him where he was since I could hear some noise in the background.
"Oh I am at the salon with Geri. She is getting her nails done. There is also some people here that were in Ohio last year that were shut down because of a big storm out there. I was just thinking about you and wondering where you were and how the weather was for you guys."
Dad rambled like he didn't dare want any silent moments on the phone at all. I could barely get a word in edgewise. I just answered his questions, but I was also a bit sarcastic in my tone as well.
I then asked him, "How are you doing?"
"Oh, I am doing fine...yep, doing great. Feeling pretty good." Dad said. If I could see him, I'd think he was a 10 year old boy sitting on a chair bouncing his hands on his bouncing legs because he couldn't sit still...trying to hide something with small talk.
"Great," I said. "Everything going good then? Anything else going on at all?" I asked.
"Nope," he said. I fumed, but kept my cool.
"Great, well we are heading down the road with great weather right now." The small talk continued for a few more minutes.
"That's good...well may the sun be with you in your travels," he said. WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN????? HIPPEE TALK OR SOMETHING?????
I called Annie back. I told her of the conversation and that he didn't let on anything and I didn't say anything at all.
Lets see just how long it will be before Dad does say anything to me. Then I will let him have it!!!!
Sunday, November 2, 2014
AN OPEN LETTER - LETTER TO THE FAMILY FROM DAD
It has been over a year since my Betty passed away.
After 53 years of togetherness I find it hard to not vacillate from the last two stages of grief, depression and acceptance.
Card games, bowling, or Bunko nearly every day and sometimes twice a day, dancing on Friday nights then on to karaoke after the dance, daily doing some activity with Geri, and church on Sunday.
Although I am keeping busy with everyday activities I still am confronted with the depression and acceptance stages. I don't have any problems with denial, anger, or bargaining.
Although I do love having a relationship with Geri, I do miss Betty. Once I told Geri that she couldn't replace Betty, she cried and said "I need to go home". Later when I called her, she was crying. I explained to her that I didn't expect her to replace Betty and that it would create problems if I expected her to be like Betty and that I am the one who would have to adapt to my new life. Geri has a great sense of humor, generosity and caring.
Every day I have fluctuations in my emotions. Anxious and blue one day to lightheartedness and happy the next. I grieve one day at a time at my own pace.
When Betty died my world changed. I felt numb, shocked and fearful. My life was interrupted but now my new life is coming together much sooner than I expected.
I do miss Betty but the pain is less, still I have some bad days. The good days are more than the bad.
Realizing early on that mourning too long would not be good for my mind or my health, I determined that I needed to keep myself occupied with the things I would enjoy. Having once read that you need to do things that you enjoy because it is now only about you. That was a bit hard to do at first until I realized the therapeutic value it presented for getting on with my life.
I know and understand that Betty was ready to go but we were not ready or willing to say goodby. She left us all here to cope with her passing and I feel the girls and all the extended family are doing well in that arena. Tears still come from time to time as they are now but life must go on. I love my girls and I know they love me. POPS
"A true friend is one who reaches for your hand and touches your heart"
After 53 years of togetherness I find it hard to not vacillate from the last two stages of grief, depression and acceptance.
Card games, bowling, or Bunko nearly every day and sometimes twice a day, dancing on Friday nights then on to karaoke after the dance, daily doing some activity with Geri, and church on Sunday.
Although I am keeping busy with everyday activities I still am confronted with the depression and acceptance stages. I don't have any problems with denial, anger, or bargaining.
Although I do love having a relationship with Geri, I do miss Betty. Once I told Geri that she couldn't replace Betty, she cried and said "I need to go home". Later when I called her, she was crying. I explained to her that I didn't expect her to replace Betty and that it would create problems if I expected her to be like Betty and that I am the one who would have to adapt to my new life. Geri has a great sense of humor, generosity and caring.
Every day I have fluctuations in my emotions. Anxious and blue one day to lightheartedness and happy the next. I grieve one day at a time at my own pace.
When Betty died my world changed. I felt numb, shocked and fearful. My life was interrupted but now my new life is coming together much sooner than I expected.
I do miss Betty but the pain is less, still I have some bad days. The good days are more than the bad.
Realizing early on that mourning too long would not be good for my mind or my health, I determined that I needed to keep myself occupied with the things I would enjoy. Having once read that you need to do things that you enjoy because it is now only about you. That was a bit hard to do at first until I realized the therapeutic value it presented for getting on with my life.
I know and understand that Betty was ready to go but we were not ready or willing to say goodby. She left us all here to cope with her passing and I feel the girls and all the extended family are doing well in that arena. Tears still come from time to time as they are now but life must go on. I love my girls and I know they love me. POPS
"A true friend is one who reaches for your hand and touches your heart"
Thursday, September 4, 2014
ONE YEAR LATER
It has been a year (almost - only a few days away) since Mom passed away. What has it been like without her around?
It hasn't been easy.
So many times I have found myself thinking, "I'm going to call Mom and tell her about....oh yeah. I can't" So, I call and talk to Dad.
Mom was the center of all of us. She was the entertainer, the life of the party, the one who kept us in check and the one that helped us make sense of it all, no matter what it was.
I think of Annie a lot. Mom and Annie were jewelry partners. Sharing their ideas and teaching each other the things they had just learned about beads and their value. They'd swap beads and chains...make new out of old....going to Thrift Stores and Garage sales to scoop up future treasures.
Little Connor and Faith loved their Grandma a lot. Grandma would let them dance on the kitchen table and do things that made their Mommy gasp because she knew her children were getting away with things not allowed. But Annie couldn't help but laugh at the idea as well.
My thoughts of Lisa as she is so far away in Florida with her family and her contact has been mainly only by phone over the years. Yet, Lisa and Mom were close. Sharing their memories of growing up. How Mom stood by Lisa when she had her first baby and helping her out in the difficult decisions that had to be made. Mom was a rock for Lisa to lean on.
Craig and Sarah got to spend some wonderful, memorable and unforgettable days with their Grandmother. They flew out from Florida to be with Grandma and Grandpa for a whole month. Their visit was filled with camping at the coast at a favorite family campground, Patricks Point.
They walked the beaches, looked for agates and shells and explored the forests in the area.
Then it was off to Lake Shasta Caverns where they got to ride a boat across the lake and ride the bumpy bus up the hill to the cave entrance. They walked in and got to see all kinds of Stalagtites and Stalagmites, a beauty within the mountain. That was when Mom was feeling the first twinges of pain. That was the last time that Mom could actually walk on her own.
Rebecca got closer to Mom than she had ever been in years. The precious months were filled with walks along the Sacramento River. Afternoons at home while Becky did Mom's nails. Treating her to a special manicure and pedicure, all the while Mom was laughing at the thought that she was being pampered so much. Mom soaked it all in. Her precious baby was back and Mom was cherishing every moment she could with her.
All of Beckys children warmed up to Grandma and Grandpa with laughter and hugs. Time spent at the park together creating ever lasting memories that are forever held in their hearts. A love bond between the children and their Grandmother that will never be broken or forgotten.
I think of my memories with Mom and our endless hours either talking on the phone or when I was sitting still, we'd instant message each other. I'd laugh because many times our phone conversations would actually get me down the road a few hundred miles. I would never tire of talking with her. Our subject matter would change about as fast as a school of fish swimming too and fro in the water. We never knew what we'd talk about next.
Rachelle created a unique and special bond with her Grandma through the art of sign language. Together, Rachelle, Grandma and Grandpa would sign at church. As Mom was losing her hearing more and more, it became a loving necessity to sign to her.
Robert learned the value of life through his Grandmother. Cleaning himself up and actually getting a good job dealing with the public. Mom was always there for Robert as well. Helping to guide her Grandson as he would wander in to the lives of the family in his young adult years.
By the way, Mom, you're a Great-Grandma again. Robert and his new wife are having a baby. That is Great Grandbaby number 6 for you.
I think a lot about Daddy and how he's doing. I know he misses Mom a lot. They had 52 wonderful years together. They raised an awesome family with strong core values. Mom and Dad retired gracefully from a very successful business. Spent quality time together traveling around locally and even abroad, driving their little $4000 auction purchased minivan across the United States and putting 11,000 miles on it in as little as 6 weeks. That was something that we were all proud of for sure.
Daddy has moved forward a bit. A little faster than we thought that he would or should have. But one thing is for certain, Dad is not one to be alone. He doesn't like being alone and doesn't want to be. He has always liked to be involved in something, or be a part of what's going on. He enjoys sharing his time with someone as well. So, for Dad to find a good friend in a lady is just what Mom expected him to do.
Mom used to joke, "Daddy will probably go out and find a two bit floozy."
Well, Daddy found someone to spend time with. He says that he's not interested in marriage and that he never wants to say the words, "My first wife."
His new friend is Geri. She's a nice lady. I was very hesitant to meet her. In fact, when Daddy told me about her in December, my heart sunk. Tears came to my eyes. My thoughts were, "how could he replace Mom so quickly. He assured me that she was just a friend. You could hear the laughter in Dads voice. The child like attitude that he has come back to life after months of caring so deeply and lovingly for his wife, the woman he loved so much for over 52 years.
Mom is no longer in pain. She peacefully drifted away with her entire family surrounding her. A few days prior, she called out to each of her children, calling each by name as she held our hands. Tears in her eyes, tears in ours as we all knew we were all saying goodbye.
So, here we are....one year later. It's been tough for sure. I miss Mom so much. I still find myself having to wipe away a tear or two knowing that death is forever, it is permanent, I will never be able to see Mommy on earth ever again. I will never hear her voice over the phone saying, "Hi sweetie" with a huge smile in her voice.
Mom, I love you so much. You have truly touched so many people in your life. From your family to all of your friends. Everyone that has crossed your path, you have touched and left your loving memory with them.
By the way, Mom, guess what? I quit smoking. I did that on November 13th, 2013. It was actually pretty easy, and here a year later, I feel great. Thank you Mommy for that smile and hug in your voice. I know you are proud of me. I love you.
One year later....it gets easier, right?
It hasn't been easy.
So many times I have found myself thinking, "I'm going to call Mom and tell her about....oh yeah. I can't" So, I call and talk to Dad.
Mom was the center of all of us. She was the entertainer, the life of the party, the one who kept us in check and the one that helped us make sense of it all, no matter what it was.
I think of Annie a lot. Mom and Annie were jewelry partners. Sharing their ideas and teaching each other the things they had just learned about beads and their value. They'd swap beads and chains...make new out of old....going to Thrift Stores and Garage sales to scoop up future treasures.
Little Connor and Faith loved their Grandma a lot. Grandma would let them dance on the kitchen table and do things that made their Mommy gasp because she knew her children were getting away with things not allowed. But Annie couldn't help but laugh at the idea as well.
My thoughts of Lisa as she is so far away in Florida with her family and her contact has been mainly only by phone over the years. Yet, Lisa and Mom were close. Sharing their memories of growing up. How Mom stood by Lisa when she had her first baby and helping her out in the difficult decisions that had to be made. Mom was a rock for Lisa to lean on.
Craig and Sarah got to spend some wonderful, memorable and unforgettable days with their Grandmother. They flew out from Florida to be with Grandma and Grandpa for a whole month. Their visit was filled with camping at the coast at a favorite family campground, Patricks Point.
They walked the beaches, looked for agates and shells and explored the forests in the area.
Then it was off to Lake Shasta Caverns where they got to ride a boat across the lake and ride the bumpy bus up the hill to the cave entrance. They walked in and got to see all kinds of Stalagtites and Stalagmites, a beauty within the mountain. That was when Mom was feeling the first twinges of pain. That was the last time that Mom could actually walk on her own.
Rebecca got closer to Mom than she had ever been in years. The precious months were filled with walks along the Sacramento River. Afternoons at home while Becky did Mom's nails. Treating her to a special manicure and pedicure, all the while Mom was laughing at the thought that she was being pampered so much. Mom soaked it all in. Her precious baby was back and Mom was cherishing every moment she could with her.
All of Beckys children warmed up to Grandma and Grandpa with laughter and hugs. Time spent at the park together creating ever lasting memories that are forever held in their hearts. A love bond between the children and their Grandmother that will never be broken or forgotten.
I think of my memories with Mom and our endless hours either talking on the phone or when I was sitting still, we'd instant message each other. I'd laugh because many times our phone conversations would actually get me down the road a few hundred miles. I would never tire of talking with her. Our subject matter would change about as fast as a school of fish swimming too and fro in the water. We never knew what we'd talk about next.
Rachelle created a unique and special bond with her Grandma through the art of sign language. Together, Rachelle, Grandma and Grandpa would sign at church. As Mom was losing her hearing more and more, it became a loving necessity to sign to her.
Robert learned the value of life through his Grandmother. Cleaning himself up and actually getting a good job dealing with the public. Mom was always there for Robert as well. Helping to guide her Grandson as he would wander in to the lives of the family in his young adult years.
By the way, Mom, you're a Great-Grandma again. Robert and his new wife are having a baby. That is Great Grandbaby number 6 for you.
I think a lot about Daddy and how he's doing. I know he misses Mom a lot. They had 52 wonderful years together. They raised an awesome family with strong core values. Mom and Dad retired gracefully from a very successful business. Spent quality time together traveling around locally and even abroad, driving their little $4000 auction purchased minivan across the United States and putting 11,000 miles on it in as little as 6 weeks. That was something that we were all proud of for sure.
Daddy has moved forward a bit. A little faster than we thought that he would or should have. But one thing is for certain, Dad is not one to be alone. He doesn't like being alone and doesn't want to be. He has always liked to be involved in something, or be a part of what's going on. He enjoys sharing his time with someone as well. So, for Dad to find a good friend in a lady is just what Mom expected him to do.
Mom used to joke, "Daddy will probably go out and find a two bit floozy."
Well, Daddy found someone to spend time with. He says that he's not interested in marriage and that he never wants to say the words, "My first wife."
His new friend is Geri. She's a nice lady. I was very hesitant to meet her. In fact, when Daddy told me about her in December, my heart sunk. Tears came to my eyes. My thoughts were, "how could he replace Mom so quickly. He assured me that she was just a friend. You could hear the laughter in Dads voice. The child like attitude that he has come back to life after months of caring so deeply and lovingly for his wife, the woman he loved so much for over 52 years.
Mom is no longer in pain. She peacefully drifted away with her entire family surrounding her. A few days prior, she called out to each of her children, calling each by name as she held our hands. Tears in her eyes, tears in ours as we all knew we were all saying goodbye.
So, here we are....one year later. It's been tough for sure. I miss Mom so much. I still find myself having to wipe away a tear or two knowing that death is forever, it is permanent, I will never be able to see Mommy on earth ever again. I will never hear her voice over the phone saying, "Hi sweetie" with a huge smile in her voice.
Mom, I love you so much. You have truly touched so many people in your life. From your family to all of your friends. Everyone that has crossed your path, you have touched and left your loving memory with them.
By the way, Mom, guess what? I quit smoking. I did that on November 13th, 2013. It was actually pretty easy, and here a year later, I feel great. Thank you Mommy for that smile and hug in your voice. I know you are proud of me. I love you.
One year later....it gets easier, right?
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
CAN'T LOOK BACK
It is so tough. You wish that things were different. You wish that you could undo what can't be undone. You wish that you had done things differently. But, you can't look back. You can't undo it. What is done, is done.
There are times I find myself questioning whether or not Mom really had cancer. Did she truly have a tumor in her hip? Looking back, she had walked a sandy beach. Climbed several flights of stairs and did a vigorous walk on the treadmill. Only after that did she complain of her hip hurting.
So, did she truly have cancer? The doctors said so. Their tests said she did. I never saw them, but I can't doubt what they told Mom and Dad. I wasn't there. However, I do have a small sense of doubt.
I wish that they had gotten a second opinion. Would it have made a difference?
Just this morning, on the Anniversary of what would have been Mom and Dad's 53rd year, Daddy said, "I have been reading about cancer and it says that a lot of the treatment combinations of Chemo and Radiation makes the cancer worse."
Okay, so that is interesting information. But what do you do with that? What can you do with that? Will that bring Mom back? Unfortunately, no.
I guess what I am trying to convince myself of, is that although I didn't agree with 100 percent of the way Mom was treated, Mom and Dad were both very happy and lived out their vows to the end. I have to be happy with that. I can't look back and wish it were different, because there is nothing I can do to change the past. The past is history now.
I love you, Mommy. I love you very much and every day I miss you terribly. One day we will be together again in heaven with our Father. Until then, I know that you are rejoicing in his name.
There are times I find myself questioning whether or not Mom really had cancer. Did she truly have a tumor in her hip? Looking back, she had walked a sandy beach. Climbed several flights of stairs and did a vigorous walk on the treadmill. Only after that did she complain of her hip hurting.
So, did she truly have cancer? The doctors said so. Their tests said she did. I never saw them, but I can't doubt what they told Mom and Dad. I wasn't there. However, I do have a small sense of doubt.
I wish that they had gotten a second opinion. Would it have made a difference?
Just this morning, on the Anniversary of what would have been Mom and Dad's 53rd year, Daddy said, "I have been reading about cancer and it says that a lot of the treatment combinations of Chemo and Radiation makes the cancer worse."
Okay, so that is interesting information. But what do you do with that? What can you do with that? Will that bring Mom back? Unfortunately, no.
I guess what I am trying to convince myself of, is that although I didn't agree with 100 percent of the way Mom was treated, Mom and Dad were both very happy and lived out their vows to the end. I have to be happy with that. I can't look back and wish it were different, because there is nothing I can do to change the past. The past is history now.
I love you, Mommy. I love you very much and every day I miss you terribly. One day we will be together again in heaven with our Father. Until then, I know that you are rejoicing in his name.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY - 53 YEARS
January 14, 1961. The day that Mom and Dad exchanged vows and pledged, "Till Death Do Us Part."
They fulfilled that vow on September 13, 2013 when Mommy passed away, yet, it is still so difficult to know that she is no longer with us.
Today was just that day. What would have been their 53 Wedding Anniversary.
Daddy met us at the truckstop in Redding for breakfast.
He asked me, "Do you know what today is?"
I said, "Yes, I do. I have been thinking about that since yesterday."
We both sat there for a moment in silence.
"This is a year of firsts for me," Daddy broke the silence.
"Yes it is," I said in return. Dad had tears forming as he tried to keep them back.
He went on to say, "I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that I couldn't get Mom to talk to me at all. She just didn't want to talk to me."
I just looked at him not knowing really what to say. It wasn't that it was an awkward moment, it was that sometimes there are moments that just don't need any comments. Just silence to think about the thought or the moment, or to just be an ear or shoulder.
Our breakfast went well and we had a good morning. It was so good to see Dad. I love you so much.
They fulfilled that vow on September 13, 2013 when Mommy passed away, yet, it is still so difficult to know that she is no longer with us.
Today was just that day. What would have been their 53 Wedding Anniversary.
Daddy met us at the truckstop in Redding for breakfast.
He asked me, "Do you know what today is?"
I said, "Yes, I do. I have been thinking about that since yesterday."
We both sat there for a moment in silence.
"This is a year of firsts for me," Daddy broke the silence.
"Yes it is," I said in return. Dad had tears forming as he tried to keep them back.
He went on to say, "I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that I couldn't get Mom to talk to me at all. She just didn't want to talk to me."
I just looked at him not knowing really what to say. It wasn't that it was an awkward moment, it was that sometimes there are moments that just don't need any comments. Just silence to think about the thought or the moment, or to just be an ear or shoulder.
Our breakfast went well and we had a good morning. It was so good to see Dad. I love you so much.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
LOVE LETTER FROM DADDY
I thank God for the support that my children and their families
are giving me in these trying times.
It is a comforting feeling knowing that I can
call each of you and know you are there for me.
Yesterday was a bit trying
for me.
I just felt lonely with no direction.
Today is better and I am looking forward to my Christmas
in the snow with Becky and family.
Lisa and Mark, I will send you a snowball.
Jenny and Rob, I look forward to the time that you and Rob will
be able to spend some time here.
Annie and Chris, thank you for your hospitality.
This is a year of firsts for all of us as we go down this road
together.
I know it's not all about me.
I lost my wife but you lost a wonderful mother.
Thank you again for being here when Momma and I needed
you most. You were all so wonderful and I was proud of you.
All the people involved from Hospice told me how impressed they
were with our family. No one was pretentious, we were all
just being who we are.
I am continuing with the meetings put on by the hospital.
They are very helpful and have helped me be with others who are
faced with a similar situation.
I wish each of you a very merry Christmas and a peaceful year.
We'll do it together. I love you all so very much.
Love POPS
are giving me in these trying times.
It is a comforting feeling knowing that I can
call each of you and know you are there for me.
Yesterday was a bit trying
for me.
I just felt lonely with no direction.
Today is better and I am looking forward to my Christmas
in the snow with Becky and family.
Lisa and Mark, I will send you a snowball.
Jenny and Rob, I look forward to the time that you and Rob will
be able to spend some time here.
Annie and Chris, thank you for your hospitality.
This is a year of firsts for all of us as we go down this road
together.
I know it's not all about me.
I lost my wife but you lost a wonderful mother.
Thank you again for being here when Momma and I needed
you most. You were all so wonderful and I was proud of you.
All the people involved from Hospice told me how impressed they
were with our family. No one was pretentious, we were all
just being who we are.
I am continuing with the meetings put on by the hospital.
They are very helpful and have helped me be with others who are
faced with a similar situation.
I wish each of you a very merry Christmas and a peaceful year.
We'll do it together. I love you all so very much.
Love POPS
BLESSINGS - A LETTER FROM DAD
BLESSINGS
I
can count my blessings, having 53 years with my life partner, Betty.
Our Children, Grandchildren, and Great Grandchildren. I will enjoy
and find contentment in being thankful for what I have.
I choose to
help others through these difficult times and give hope to someone
in the same situation. Hope for everything, expect nothing and
accept what I have.
I will hope for everything, accept
disappointments, be on the lookout for goodness and beauty and take
solace in love that tempers my losses.
There is no right way to
grieve, no timetable or schedule for grieving.
Despite the
certainty that death will enter into our lives, most of us are
unprepared for it.
You don't get over grief. You learn to live
with it.
I can remain right where I am for the rest of my life or go
forward. It is my choice. I chose to go forward.
The grieving
process has no shortcuts as the pain gets easier. This is one of
the most tense, frightening and difficult, emotional experiences of
my life.
My whole life is turned upside down.
My friends often
withdraw because they need to protect their own emotions not wanting
to bring up the subject leaving me feeling isolated and unsupported.
I have asked them to just call and ask how I'm doing.
Many people
will walk in and out of our lives but only true friends will leave
footprints in your heart.
The "Not normal is normal".
Monday, December 23, 2013
TEARS OF REALIZATION
I have been struggling hard with the thought that Mommy is gone forever. How do you deal with that? How do you face the fact that the woman that has been in your life for 52 years as your Mother is now gone up to heaven?
Tears have streamed down my face more than once. Sometimes it's like a faucet that was left open during a freeze and when thawed, the water just pours out when least expected.
Today, as I stood in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, I was thinking about Mom. I had just called Dad a few moments before wishing him a Happy Birthday. He is 79 years young today.
The tears streamed down as I pictured the tables turned. What if it were Dad that had passed instead of Mom and she was still in good health?
I could picture her in the kitchen as she stirred a bowl of dough to make cookies. She is standing there staring towards the TV as tears run down her face. She sees water dripping uncontrollably from the ceiling from a leak that Dad never fixed.
Mom looks over to the dining room as she thinks about changing the looks of the room, but then realizes that she can't do it on her own. The backyard needs a new deck. The current one is so old that the boards are pulling up from their nails and splitting. She realizes that she can't do any of this on her own.
"Daddy, how about if we re-do the downstairs?" She would say and Dad would get up, get his tools and begin the project.
If the tables were turned, Mom would be miserable knowing that the house would eventually fall apart under the horribly needed repairs from its age. Today, Daddy even mentioned it to me that he needed a completely new roof and it would cost about $10,000 to replace.
Do I let Daddy go and do what he wants? Do I realize that Mommy was in horrible pain and now she is home with Jesus and happy? I know that when she was still with us and she was still coherent, she signed to all of us, "It is finished."
Mommy, I will never forget you. I will always love you and no matter what Daddy does, no woman could ever take your place. You are my one and only Mommy. I pray that Daddy never decides to move another woman in to your home...in to your bedroom...in to your bed.
Tears have streamed down my face more than once. Sometimes it's like a faucet that was left open during a freeze and when thawed, the water just pours out when least expected.
Today, as I stood in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, I was thinking about Mom. I had just called Dad a few moments before wishing him a Happy Birthday. He is 79 years young today.
The tears streamed down as I pictured the tables turned. What if it were Dad that had passed instead of Mom and she was still in good health?
I could picture her in the kitchen as she stirred a bowl of dough to make cookies. She is standing there staring towards the TV as tears run down her face. She sees water dripping uncontrollably from the ceiling from a leak that Dad never fixed.
Mom looks over to the dining room as she thinks about changing the looks of the room, but then realizes that she can't do it on her own. The backyard needs a new deck. The current one is so old that the boards are pulling up from their nails and splitting. She realizes that she can't do any of this on her own.
"Daddy, how about if we re-do the downstairs?" She would say and Dad would get up, get his tools and begin the project.
If the tables were turned, Mom would be miserable knowing that the house would eventually fall apart under the horribly needed repairs from its age. Today, Daddy even mentioned it to me that he needed a completely new roof and it would cost about $10,000 to replace.
Do I let Daddy go and do what he wants? Do I realize that Mommy was in horrible pain and now she is home with Jesus and happy? I know that when she was still with us and she was still coherent, she signed to all of us, "It is finished."
Mommy, I will never forget you. I will always love you and no matter what Daddy does, no woman could ever take your place. You are my one and only Mommy. I pray that Daddy never decides to move another woman in to your home...in to your bedroom...in to your bed.
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