CAN'T LOOK BACK

It is so tough.  You wish that things were different.  You wish that you could undo what can't be undone.  You wish that you had done things differently.  But, you can't look back.  You can't undo it.  What is done, is done.

There are times I find myself questioning whether or not Mom really had cancer.  Did she truly have a tumor in her hip? Looking back, she had walked a sandy beach.  Climbed several flights of stairs and did a vigorous walk on the treadmill.  Only after that did she complain of her hip hurting. 

So, did she truly have cancer?  The doctors said so.  Their tests said she did.  I never saw them, but I can't doubt what they told Mom and Dad.  I wasn't there.  However, I do have a small sense of doubt. 

I wish that they had gotten a second opinion.  Would it have made a difference? 

Just this morning, on the Anniversary of what would have been Mom and Dad's 53rd year, Daddy said, "I have been reading about cancer and it says that a lot of the treatment combinations of Chemo and Radiation makes the cancer worse."

Okay, so that is interesting information.  But what do you do with that?  What can you do with that?  Will that bring Mom back?  Unfortunately, no. 

I guess what I am trying to convince myself of, is that although I didn't agree with 100 percent of the way Mom was treated, Mom and Dad were both very happy and lived out their vows to the end.  I have to be happy with that.  I can't look back and wish it were different, because there is nothing I can do to change the past.  The past is history now.

I love you, Mommy.  I love you very much and every day I miss you terribly.  One day we will be together again in heaven with our Father. Until then, I know that you are rejoicing in his name.