MOMMY, I MISS YOU SO MUCH

How do you deal with the loss of your Mommy after 52 years of her being there for you every minute at a whim?

We'd talk to each other on the phone for hours and laugh about the fact that we really didn't talk about any one particular subject.  Then we'd try to end our phone calls with..."and one more thing."  Our calls were full of laughter, sometimes tears and just a lot of fun information.

I miss those calls.  Daddy told me that we wouldn't get any of those lengthy calls from him because he just doesn't do that at all.  Gee whiz, Dad....thanks for the warning, I guess.  But, glad you did tell me anyway, so that I wouldn't be totally disappointed, but instead happy that we get a few moments on the phone at all.

Here it is, our first Christmas without Mom.  The lavish meals and decorations are now a memory, captured only in our minds and in photos past.  We have made it through our first Thanksgiving.  I often have thoughts of, "Why Mom? Why did she have to go?"

The night that Mom passed away, it was traumatic, for sure.  But looking back, I think that a lot of actions were done out of haste due to the shock of Mom's passing.  I think that the realization of the idea that "Death is Forever" hadn't really hit anyone yet.

Mom passed, everyone scattered throughout the house.  Each taking on different types of jobs and responsibilities.  What seemed to have been neatly laid out and mentally rehearsed earlier, didn't play out anywhere close to what was anticipated.  Unfortunately, as a result, it began a quickly unraveling of feelings and toe-stepping that sent all of us on a back paddling to try to mend what we were all going through....together.

Once she passed, it was a total scurry of getting Mom properly dressed for the coroner to come pick her up. All of us girls put on the skirt, blouse and shoes that Daddy had picked out for her to wear.  We put her wig on and made her look as beautiful as we could. 

Daddy put the doggies up on her bed so that they could see that she had passed on.  The two of them laid on her lap, wagging their tails wildly.  One of them even snuggled his nose under her hand in hopes to encourage Mom to pet him a little.  After no response  after several minutes, they both laid down and slowly scooted away.  It was as if they realized that she was no longer with them and they quickly accepted it.

The coroner came and as he was taking Mom out of the house, Dad quickly spoke up and said, "Wait, Mom said that the only way she will go out of this house is feet first."  Everyone laughed.  Annie said, "good call, Dad."  The coroner was eager to comply as he carefully turned the gurney around.

Once Mom was out of the house, things began to change quickly.  The vacuum cleaner could be heard going in the bedroom as the room was being put back in to shape as it was before the hospital bed was brought in.

Dad was going through the closet of all of Mom's clothes and handing out things to everyone in the room. It was a frenzy.  The only thing that I really wanted of Mom's clothing was a blue sweater with red and silver diamonds on it.  Mom loved to wear that sweater all the time and we have several pictures of her wearing it.  Once I located it, Rob took a hold of it to be sure that we could at least have that fond memory of Mom with us.
Then the frenzy was turned to the dresser.  It seemed that clothes were being tossed everywhere.  They were on the couch in their bedroom, on the bed and even on the floor.  The hustle and bustle was going on like it was a free-for-all of Mom's belongings.  Her jewelry that she made was quickly being gone through.  Dad was telling a short story of each of the items.

I look back on that day now and wonder what Mom would have thought had she been able to see just what was going on.  I think she would have thought that her life was being torn apart like mad dogs tearing at a fresh carcuss.  Knowing Mom, she was quite emotional and sometimes seemed like she'd over-react to different things, but in her defense, I think she would have yelled at every one of us and told all of us to leave her alone.  She would have told every one "Shame on you for treating my memory like this." I think she would have been all over Dad about it for sure.

Then it seemed that Dad had snapped a little.  I heard him at one time say, "this is all mine now."  Even a family meeting had me in shock for sure.  I could tell that it was kind of a slap in the face to all of us girls.  Dad said, "this is my stuff now.  If I want any of you to have any of it, I will let you know.  If I want to sell it, I will."  I was nearly in tears when he was saying that.  It seems that Mom and her memory was going to be quickly diminished by Dad and the rest of us would just have to deal with it.  I can feel the pain beginning now.  Mommy, I miss you so much already.